I feel privileged to have had the opportunity to interact with people from multiple cultural and professional backgrounds, across various levels and roles. In my observation, the quality of interpersonal communication in any form varies tremendously and few fundamentals are often missed in organisations, irrespective of the roles or command over language. This may lead to frustration, misunderstanding and even conflict in organizations, internally or with partners. The less you know someone personally, the more cautious and aware you need to be. The more you know someone personally, it is important to not take them for granted.  Great individual examples always stand out in our minds and memories.

Here are three basic starting points to think about.

1. When you call or connect with someone for the first time in any form, try to explain the context or background along with the introduction first. I’ve noticed many times when a customer service call comes in, the representative jumps straight to questions (with even questions that feel personal) without explaining the reason and background for the call. On social media, new LinkedIn or Facebook invites are often sent without any introductory message, leaving the receiver to figure out (especially if you haven’t met or connected in the past).

2. When someone you know tries to contact you, it is helpful to respond, even if it is a one liner saying you’re very busy currently. If you may not have clarity to respond regarding a question, it helps to say so. It is also helpful to manage expectations by referring to timeframes, if you think it will take time to respond. People should not feel that their messages went into a black hole and are left to decipher what that may mean. On the other hand, it also helps the sender to follow-up to ensure that it may not have been accidentally missed.

3. Related to the topic of givers and takers, it is not sustainable to just be a taker mostly. There are some people who seem to be happy as long as they receive help and support from others but when they receive a negative response or one that does not satisfy their needs, they miss to acknowledge and respond. It is important to acknowledge in any scenario and still thank someone for their time and interest for thinking and responding to you. It also worthwhile to ask yourself how you can as well be of help to others.

One may need to keep in mind that every action or lack of it, contributes to personal brand and reputation. Some people in positions of power unconsciously allow arrogance to creep into their communication (or lack of it). Everyone should receive the benefit of doubt, until proven otherwise through a noticeable trail of behaviors. We may be conditioned to pick up negatives faster than positives.

As we all work with so many different personalities, preferences and behaviors, it is valuable to get few consistent basic approaches in place, to avoid misunderstandings. We also live in an interconnected world where one’s personal or leadership brand image may actually travel long distances.

I still remember the time in university when I sent Daniel Goleman, author of multiple books including Emotional Intelligence (with no prior connection or influence) a note asking if he would be available and interested in joining a student event. It was a pleasant surprise and felt great to receive his assistant’s response next day and then Daniel himself in a couple of days, sharing that he would not be able to make it due to a hectic schedule. That left a strong impression. I also remember a time at work when someone I looked up to went totally missing (for probably good personal reason) during very challenging times, even when just presence and caring enquiries would have made a big difference. These experiences do leave long lasting impressions.

In any sphere of life (especially if you are a leader), how do you find opportunities in interpersonal communication to influence or impact other lives?

Would you have any notes of advice to share from your experiences?

Best wishes…

Dedicated to my mother, Aleyamma Eapen.
I started thinking about writing on this topic as my mother passed away last week.

According to ‘Merriam-Webster’, ‘resilience‘ can be defined as the ability to become strong, healthy, or successful again after something bad happens.

Everyone inevitably goes through difficult personal scenarios at some point in life. These may include passing away of or losing dear ones, losing  jobs or security, personal relationships, illness or disease and unforeseen disappointments. They may also  result in instances where one questions and tries to find the meaning of one’s existence and life.  A whole host of issues and challenges seem to emerge in these situations. Sometimes, people around can act in ways that could be surprising, confusing and disappointing. One may encounter loneliness, lack of social support and various other social and personal challenges.

How can we build personal resilience?

Most times, we go along happily with our lives until one of these scenarios hits us badly and takes us by surprise. Even though we may not be able to prevent some things from happening, it helps to be aware and also respectful of others going through similar stages in life. A bit of empathy and support can go a long way and also helps with the recovery process for the person involved.

Every individual has her or his own way of coping with challenges, pain and finding the way back. Solutions may be unique and relevant to one’s own preferences. That said, it does help to learn and understand tried and tested methods of finding a way back to normalcy.  In tough times, it is not easy to think with a clear head.

I wanted to share few actions that I found helpful. If you have experienced some of these, please do share for the benefit of others around. There may be more people around than you think, working through life challenges.

1. When everything around seems to whirl out of control, it helps to find one’s space of calm and peaceful reflection through prayers, meditation, breathing exercises and focus on one’s core belief systems. Having a spiritual belief system helped me find meaning and peace in difficulty. It’s still important to acknowledge that there will be an up and down process.
2. For those going through the loss of a dear one, allowing for grieving time and finding the path towards acceptance is an important process with varying timelines. Understanding the stages of loss and grief, and allowing oneself adequate time to progress through these stages is important. Being compassionate and forgiving to oneself during the recovery process is also valuable.
3. Focusing on the positives helps shift the mind to a healthier direction. A lot of thoughts go through one’s head during difficult times and it is easy to get stuck in a negative pool. If one can be conscious of this and find few things to be grateful and thankful for (redefine the “bad” in terms of potential “goods”), in spite of the difficulties, they help make a difference. The mindset can be important. Research from Carol Dweck of Stanford emphasizes the importance of having a growth mindset, rather than a fixed mindset.
4. Having a helpful social support group, in the form of close friends, relatives, colleagues, professionals or individuals with a high emotional and spiritual quotient can make a huge difference. It helps for the closest support group to be available and present, sometimes just to be present with a listening ear or a hug (even virtually).
5. Getting some momentum towards core areas of interest and meaningful impact is helpful.  It helps to move forward with a purpose, even in baby steps, whatever engages one’s mind with positive action. For me currently, focusing on completing this blog post, working with a friend on transitioning to a new blog page, helped to take my mind off difficult thoughts and focus on something meaningful for me.

These notes of course do not replace the need for professional support when needed and it is important to recognize when one feels the need, and act accordingly.

If we can reflect, learn and find our meaning from difficult life scenarios, we can grow stronger mentally, wiser, more compassionate towards ourselves and others in difficult environments.

Personal resilience is extremely important during difficult times.

How can you help build personal resilience and help individuals around you?

Life is precious. It helps to count our blessings and make a meaningful difference.  Wish you the best.

I also take this opportunity to thank the beautiful, generous souls near and far who have and are supporting me through difficult times. Thank you very much….

Suggested additional reading:
Life After Loss: Conquering Grief and Finding Hope by Raymond Moody and Dianne Arcangel (Book)

Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire. – Schindler’s List

We have all sensed, acted or reacted based on this and would think it makes sense, even if it may be unconscious during our interactions.  Most expert communicators and socially intelligent people have inherently known and used this approach.  Thanks to neuroscience research, the findings provide a solid reason to understand this.The fundamental question to ask yourself in any interaction:

AM I CREATING A “TOWARD” (APPROACH) STATE OR “AWAY” (AVOID) STATE IN MY INTERACTIONS?

This applies to any interaction in our world of work and personal relationships.

According to neuroscience studies:

• Our brains are more tuned to picking up threats in the environment and the threat response is easily triggered.
• It is easier to cause aggravation than it is to help other think rationally and creatively.
• In the threat state, our brain is disengaged due to related activity and ‘noise’, resulting in reduced cognitive performance. There is also a high possibility of an “emotional hijack”. We also know that emotions are contagious and can spread.
• The organizing, overarching principle of the brain is to minimize danger (threat state) and maximize rewards (towards state).
• If a stimulus is associated with positive emotions, it will most likely lead to an approach response; if it is associated with negative emotions, it will lead to an avoid response.  From our experiences, we know that we naturally try to avoid uncomfortable interactions, situations or difficult people.
• An approach response is synonymous with the idea of engagement and closely linked to positive emotions.

So next time you think about starting a conversation in person, over the phone or virtually, ask yourself: Do I want to create a “towards” (approach) state or an “away” (avoid) state? How can I create a “towards” state?

In the world around you, what percentage of “towards” state interactions vs. “away” state interactions do you notice?

Reference, Recommended Reading:
SCARF…, David Rock: http://www.your-brain-at-work.com/files/NLJ_SCARFUS.pdf