Dr. Edith Eger, a well-respected psychologist, has written two books, The Choice and The Gift, and has specialized in treating people with severe trauma.
These are some valuable notes for awareness and wisdom.
* Awful things happen to us and they hurt. These devastating experiences are also opportunities to regroup and decide what we want for our lives.
* Healing comes from freeing ourselves from certain thoughts and feelings that keep us trapped in the trauma.
* Freeing yourself from victimhood – “Suffering is universal but victimhood is optional.” …instead of asking “Why me?” we can ask “What now?”
* Freeing yourself from unresolved grief – It is important to let yourself grieve. Neither denying it nor being totally absorbed by it is healthy. Resolving grief means to release our sense of responsibility for all the things that weren’t up to us and to come to terms with the choices we have made that cannot be undone.
* Freeing yourself from resentment – Often the anger and resentment we have toward another may have more to do with our own issues resulting from unresolved grief or unfinished business.
* Freeing yourself from paralyzing fear – Many of us live a fear-based life. Our thoughts and behaviors are rooted in fear…living in constant fear keeps us from growing. Sometimes fear does not go away, but the best we can do is keep it from totally dominating our lives.
* Freeing yourself from judgment – We should look inward and examine the judgments we hold for ourselves as well as others. If we are being judgmental, we are unable to be compassionate.
* Freeing yourself from hopelessness – There is always hope. What we hope for may change with time, but hope is always there. It helps to remember that we have survived difficult situations before and that we can do it again.
* Freeing yourself for not forgiving – Forgiveness is something that we do for ourselves, not for others. When we do so, it frees us from the past. Releasing our anger and the people who have harmed us in the past can help to set us free.
* The search to make meaning in my life by helping others to make meaning, to heal so that I could heal others, to heal others so that I could heal myself.
* Suffering is inevitable and universal. But how we respond to suffering differs.
* The truth is, we will have unpleasant experiences in our lives, we will make mistakes, we won’t always get what we want. This is part of being human.
The problem—and the foundation of our persistent suffering—is the belief that discomfort, mistakes, disappointments signal something about our worth.
* Self-acceptance was the hardest part of healing for me.
Sources:
1. Twelve Steps for Healing Trauma..from Dr. Edith Eger’s “The Gift”; Psychology Today, Nov 2020
2. How to cope with grief..; Business Insider, Nov 2020
3. The Choice, Dr. Edith Eger
PURPOSE & IMPACT
Date: August 4, 2024
These are selected notes from the book, “Building Conflict Competent Teams” (Craig Runde, Tim Flanagan; 2008).
Reappraising What’s Happening
“We often think that others’ motives are worse than they actually are, and this causes us to feel threatened and get upset. Looking at the situation to find less sinister motives can dampen your emotions. This process is referred to as reframing; that is, you consider the situation from new frames of reference.
It is associated with a psychological concept called cognitive reappraisal, described by a quote from Marcus Aurelius: “If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”
Cognitive reappraisal means reinterpreting the meaning of what you see or hear. You may initially construe another person’s actions as hostile to your interests. Perhaps you think they are moving in on your turf or trying to make you look bad in front of others. Although this is certainly possible, there may be innocent reasons for their actions. Research has shown that reappraising situations can lessen emotional tension. In particular, changes in brain activity are analogous to those that occur when a person uses reflection and mindfulness techniques. When this happens, negative emotions lessen and more positive emotions emerge….
Team leaders can have a profound impact on the emotional climate of their teams. Leaders who demonstrate positive moods and effective emotional control can create a positive climate within their teams. When a leader conveys news, her tone and demeanor may have greater impact than the content of the message. The team leader plays a critical role, but all members of the team have to work together to address conflict effectively. They need to participate in developing and upholding team norms, which support and empower individual team members to step in when they see relationship conflict emerging that can harm the team. A team member who sees other teammates acting in ways that are breaching trust or contributing to destructive conflict can intercede and remind the others of the team norms for how to deal with conflict… “
According to a recent Korn Ferry Briefings podcast (The Frenzy To Find Work), around 77% of job seekers were ‘ghosted’ (abruptly cutting off contact/all communication) by companies last year. Studies from the platform Indeed also indicate similar percentages in recent years.
According to a report from the hiring platform Greenhouse, around 45% of job candidates have been ghosted after an initial conversation with a recruiter. Researchers also found that candidates from historically underrepresented backgrounds are 62% more likely to be ghosted after a job interview.
These studies may be U.S. focused but I’m guessing this aspect of India market is not different.
During recent years, we saw companies complaining about candidates doing the same. When the job markets are strong, the pendulum tends to shift.
All parties seem to be overly focused on the short term. The reasons for ‘ghosting’ on either side could be many. This leads to classic “Lose-Lose” situations.
How can we think “Win-Win”?
Companies need to figure out at a bare minimum, to use technology (most tools nowadays support this) effectively to at least inform/update the candidates on where they stand (even if it’s a short message). Behaviors/habits of recruiters/recruitment teams need to be aligned. In many cases, these teams are short staffed and therefore, recruiters tend to focus/prioritise completely on closing open roles. Companies need to ensure that their brand value and trust do not erode by ignoring this important aspect.
Similarly, candidates also have a responsibility to inform companies on where they stand in terms of their decision making.
Think long term, win-win. This builds engagement and effectiveness both ways.
Have you observed greed in leadership? How has that impacted/influenced your feeling of trust and relationship with that leader, your organisation, yourself?
These are selected notes from the Manfred F. R. Kets de Vries, Distinguished Clinical Professor of Leadership Development and Organisational Change, INSEAD (from the article, ‘Is Greed Destroying Your Soul?’)
* Greed may have a purpose, according to evolutionary psychologists. They believe that, by pushing us to amass status-signalling possessions, greed can help us attract a mate and thus perpetuate our genetic code.
* I prefer to look at greed as a coping mechanism. In my interactions with greedy people, I have observed that many are trying to fill an inner void or solve another emotional problem.
* Many greedy people obsessively pursue wealth as a substitute for what they feel is lacking inside them. But they ignore the high price that comes with greediness…
*…the greedier we become, the more we advance on the path of self-destruction.
*…like the proverbial leaking bucket that can’t be filled, the personal costs can be high. Far too often, greed comes with stress, exhaustion, anxiety, depression and despair. In addition, it can lead to maladaptive behaviour patterns such as gambling, hoarding, trickery and even theft.
In the corporate world, as John Grant wrote, “fraud is the daughter of greed.”
* Some believe that without a dose of greed, a given person, community or society may lack the motivation to move forward. I believe that, as with most things in life, managing greed is about balance. Like all potentially destructive human drives, greed must be tempered by positive social norms, such as generosity.
* Unchecked greed can destroy the soul of humanity like a great cancer, metastasising throughout society. The victory of greed over compassion may ultimately cause our civilisation’s downfall.
* Society’s ambivalence about greed makes it difficult to “treat” greedy people. After all, many view greed and its related traits – such as ambition and material success – as desirable rather than a potential mental health problem. It is not always easy to explain the harm caused by excessive greed…
There is still such a thing as free will. We all have a choice.
* If you can’t be content with what you have, you’re unlikely to be happy with more.
* One of the most difficult tasks for greedy people is learning to be selfish in a proper way. They need to pay attention to their inner self. It requires persistence, patience, humility, courage and commitment. But a long-term investment in the self can be a powerful antidote to greed and other forms of addiction.
Toxic work environments can be dangerous, result in physical and mental health issues, and impact sustainable business results (often missed in the short term). Are they more widespread that we assume?
Poor leadership could be one of the leading causes and indicators.
Many will experience, are or would already have experienced a challenging, toxic work environment or leader at some point in their career. That can be debilitating and intense. It may also change you. It is difficult to understand pain until you’ve experienced it yourself.
* Among the top Predictors of Employee Turnover During the Great Resignation, professors from MIT Sloan and NYU Stern found (2022) that a toxic culture is 10.4 times more likely to contribute to attrition than compensation. A toxic corporate culture is by far the strongest predictor of industry-adjusted attrition.
* From a poll of 1,000 UK employees (2021), 7 in 10 Brits shared they’ve worked in a toxic environment at some stage of their career. According to Oak Engage’s Toxic Workplace Report (2023), 75% of UK employees admit they have experienced a toxic workplace culture. 87% agreed that a toxic workplace culture has had a negative impact on their mental health and 73% agreed that a toxic workplace culture has contributed to their burnout.
* According to a poll (2023) of more than 1,300 U.S. adults conducted by online career platform Muse, nearly two-thirds of workers have faced so-called toxic work environments.
* According to Talent Works (2022), the majority of women in technology have experienced toxic work environments, with 21% experiencing it frequently.
* According to one survey in India, tech workers are willing to accept lower salaries and even take pay cuts, if it means being a part of a company with a non-toxic work culture. In another one (2023), 87 per cent felt work-life balance is top priority for combatting toxic work culture and 31 per cent attribute pressure at the workplace as one of the main concerns for mental health issues.
What approaches have worked for you, to effectively manage through a toxic work environment?
About Tojo Eapen
Leadership Coach, Consultant, HR Leader with diverse, global experiences (U.S.A, Europe, APAC).
Master of Human Resource Management from Rutgers University, New Jersey, U.S.A. Recipient of the U.S. Garden State Council SHRM HR Leadership Scholarship.
Bachelor of Technology in Civil Engineering from College of Engineering, Trivandrum, India.
Certifications: MBTI, Hogan, RBL Leadership Code, SHL 360, Team Management Profile, NeuroLeadership Results & Team Coaching.
Facilitated coaching sessions, workshops and programs for Nokia (Helsinki, London, Berlin, Global/Virtual), Rio Tinto (New Delhi), QuEST Global (Global/Virtual, Bangalore, Kerala), Matrix Partners India, Women Inclusive In Technology (India).
Mission: Enable healthy, purposeful, and impactful organizations, through leadership knowledge and wisdom.
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